Keeper Man (another ode to my dog)

(To be sung to the TV's "Spiderman Theme Song")

Keeper man, Keeper man,

Does whatever a greyhound can.

"Is he nice?" Listen, bud,

Every three months he donates blood.

Hey there!

Sweet little Keeper man!

Keeper man, Keeper man,

This greyhound is a big food fan.

He gets fed three times a day.

At five o'clock, he loves to play.

Oh yeah!

Love my old Keeper man!

Kinda cute,

not too bright.

Loves to bark,

hates to fight.

Every time we take a walk,

Neighbourhood kids love to gawk.

Keeper man, Keeper man,

Likes to pee on your garbage cans.

His farts could cause a household riot,

But we fixed it with a fish-based diet.

Hey there!

He's skinny but kinda cuddly,

Whenever you need a buddy,

Give love to Keeper maaaaaan!

Yeah!

I'm so witty!

A buddy recently asked me the following question:

"Mr. TWIT, do you think that it is healthy to be on Facebook everyday?"

And my, oh, so witty answer was...:

"In my opinion it doesn't take long to get addicted to Facebook. They call it "Crackbook" for a reason. You know how Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, etc.)? I quite honestly think there are five stages of Facebook:

Stage 1) Dismissal
"Facebook, schmascebook, I don't care to get involved."

Stage 2) Curiosity
"Alright, maybe I'll try it for a little bit. I'll limit the amount of personal information I put on the site and keep my friends list tres small.."

Stage 3) Elation
"Wow, look how large my friends list is! I must be really popular! This is great! I can post personal, private family photos for everyone to see! Wow! Let's see if I can contact that girl who was my best friend back it grade five. I wonder why we stopped hanging out?"

Stage 4) Realization
"Why am I checking this thing every day? This is crazy! Who posted that picture of me mooning that police car? Why is that girl from grade five posting weird Scientology crap on my wall? Now I remember why we stopped hanging out... she was friggin' annoying!"

Stage 5) Acceptance
"You know, if I ignore certain people long enough, they stop trying to contact me. Its like evolutionary theory... it all works out. I even went two whole days before logging in. For that, I deserve a doughnut!"

I'm so friggin cool! I'm gonna get me a doughnut!