Prop 8: The Musical

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All Time Best: The Most Important Question Ever!

History is made. Barack Obama is President-Elect of the United States of America.



Now even though the hard-won, grueling presidential campaign is over, it's time to get down to business. It's time to ask some tough questions. And here is the most important question to be asked during Barack Obama's tenure as Commander-In- Chief:

Who is going to play him in the Inevitable Spike Lee Joint?

Here are my top five suggestions

5) Fred Arminsen



Okay, I only suggested this guy to immediately rule him out. Much has been made this year about Tina Fey's imitation of Sarah Palin during this season's episodes of Saturday Night Live. I would like to voice my utter disgust with Fred Arminsen's imitation of Obama. It just sucks

Really.

And it also proves a personal point of mine. Comedians should not be chosen to portray Obama in the Inevitable Spike Lee Joint. No Chris Rock. No Jamie Foxx. Nuh-uh!

Why?

Because Barack Obama isn't funny.

He may be eloquent and inspiring at the podium, and he's obviously going to go down in history as a great president, but he just plain ain't funny. In fact, the few verbal gaffes he made during the campaign were during times he was trying to tell a joke.

Next choice.

4) Denzel Washington.



Denzel could do a great job portraying a President Obama. Well, at least the young Denzel, the "Dark Gable" Denzel from A Soldier's Story and The Mighty Quinn would do very well. The Denzel from Man on Fire and American Gangster is just too plain old

3) Chiwetel Ejiofor




Superb actor! This guy would to a great job. Only problem: Nobody knows who he is. You need a major star for the Inevitable Spike Lee Joint

2) Don Cheadle



Personally, the best choice acting wise. This guy has a reputation amongst other great actors like Brad Pitt and George Clooney. They call him "The Scene Stealer", out of great respect. He always brings his "A" game. Just take a look at his debut as "Mouse" in Devil in A Blue Dress. He was so good that even Denzel had a hard time keeping up

1) Will Smith



Although I personally like Cheadle, Will Smith will inevitably play Barack Obama in the Inevitable Spike Lee Joint fir several reasons:

a)He's a major, bankable movie star, arguably the biggest;
b)Just the promise of him playing the role would put many butts in the seat;
c)After watching Pursuit of Happyness (a must-see for any new father), I really have a soft spot for guy;and
d)No need for make-up, ear-wise...

Now imagine if Will Smith plays Obama as the first Black President to save the planet from and alien invasion... that would be the most popular movie ever! I vote James Cameron to direct!

Also, since I'm in a 'blogging mood, I would like to offer Barack Obama the following unsolicited advice:

1) Refrain from visiting anywhere south of Maryland for the first year or so. Let those people chill out for a bit and get used to the idea...

2) If there is still a convertible in the Presidential motor pool, get rid of it.

3) Whatever you do, don't try to write your own jokes. In fact, forget telling any jokes. Just keep on with the eleven minute inspirational speeches.

4) Don't be like Bush and screw Canada out of the traditional first presidential visit to another country. I mean, even though we couldn't officially do anything about it, it just plan pisses us off!

5) Listen, man... for the first few weeks or so, the White House press corps will give you a really hard time. They do that to everybody. Back in the Clinton days, they literally made George Stephanopoulos cry. Just hang in there and ride the wave...

6) Listen, man... in the first few months or so, some terrorist whack job will try to give you a hard time. They do that to everybody. Send Sam Jackson over there to get medieval on their asses...

7) The American people need to have confidence in the economy right quick. To help promote spending, I highly recommend hiring Puff Daddy and the Wu-Tang Clan to your economic cabinet as soon as possible. The resulting demand for diamond-clad spinning rims would turn the US auto industry around in a hot minute.

8) Legalize weed.

9) Legalize gay marriages.

10)You might as well start smoking cigarettes again. Being President is stressful and you need some sort of vice to release the pressure. As far as I am concerned, smoking is much better for your approval ratings than banging unstable interns.

Keeper Man (another ode to my dog)

(To be sung to the TV's "Spiderman Theme Song")

Keeper man, Keeper man,

Does whatever a greyhound can.

"Is he nice?" Listen, bud,

Every three months he donates blood.

Hey there!

Sweet little Keeper man!

Keeper man, Keeper man,

This greyhound is a big food fan.

He gets fed three times a day.

At five o'clock, he loves to play.

Oh yeah!

Love my old Keeper man!

Kinda cute,

not too bright.

Loves to bark,

hates to fight.

Every time we take a walk,

Neighbourhood kids love to gawk.

Keeper man, Keeper man,

Likes to pee on your garbage cans.

His farts could cause a household riot,

But we fixed it with a fish-based diet.

Hey there!

He's skinny but kinda cuddly,

Whenever you need a buddy,

Give love to Keeper maaaaaan!

Yeah!

I'm so witty!

A buddy recently asked me the following question:

"Mr. TWIT, do you think that it is healthy to be on Facebook everyday?"

And my, oh, so witty answer was...:

"In my opinion it doesn't take long to get addicted to Facebook. They call it "Crackbook" for a reason. You know how Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, etc.)? I quite honestly think there are five stages of Facebook:

Stage 1) Dismissal
"Facebook, schmascebook, I don't care to get involved."

Stage 2) Curiosity
"Alright, maybe I'll try it for a little bit. I'll limit the amount of personal information I put on the site and keep my friends list tres small.."

Stage 3) Elation
"Wow, look how large my friends list is! I must be really popular! This is great! I can post personal, private family photos for everyone to see! Wow! Let's see if I can contact that girl who was my best friend back it grade five. I wonder why we stopped hanging out?"

Stage 4) Realization
"Why am I checking this thing every day? This is crazy! Who posted that picture of me mooning that police car? Why is that girl from grade five posting weird Scientology crap on my wall? Now I remember why we stopped hanging out... she was friggin' annoying!"

Stage 5) Acceptance
"You know, if I ignore certain people long enough, they stop trying to contact me. Its like evolutionary theory... it all works out. I even went two whole days before logging in. For that, I deserve a doughnut!"

I'm so friggin cool! I'm gonna get me a doughnut!

Warping My Baby's Brain: All Time Best List of Movies I Plan to Watch with My Kid

As a movie fan and dedicated father-to-be, I've been discussing/describing movie plots with my unborn child, in utero. But as we all know, movies are made for watching, not for describing. So I present to you a list of movies, I feel, any child of a movie fan should immediately watch and gain an appreciation for (Is that even a proper sentence?).

5) Genre: Action

Raiders of the Lost Ark



The first movie my father took me and my brother to see in a real, honest-to-goodness movie theatre was to see Raiders of the Lost Ark. Obviously he didn't screen it first because the face melting scene at the end really messed us all up. But see, the best thing about Raiders is that it has an almost pitch perfect mix of action, comedy, romance and horror. That combination is why so many of us remember it with such fondness.



4) Genre: Animation

My Neighbour Totoro



There's only one name for animation allowed in my house: "Miyazaki"!

Ummm... wait, only two names for animation allowed in my house: "Miyazaki" and "Pixar"!

Ummm... hold up a second, only three names: "Miyazaki", "Pixar" and "Chuck Jones"!

Wait... "Miyazaki", "Pixar" "Chuck Jones", "Tex Avery", "Hanna-Barbera", "Kricfalusi", "Rankin-Bass"...

Okay, okay, there's a lot of names of animation allowed in my house... yeesh!



3) Genre: Romance

The Princess Bride


This movie is like Mary Poppins: Practically perfect in every way!

This version? Not so much...



2) Genre: Kung-Fu Movie

Shaolin Soccer.



This movie.... is the craziest thing I've ever seen....



1) Genre: Drama

Pulp Fiction


I plan to train my baby so that its first words are: "Royale with cheese!"

Supervillains

A little over a year ago, while I was hammering away at another blog on sheer crap-titude of the movie 300 , I put forth a list of rules that make a superhero movie successful. One of those rules was that the supervillain had to be somewhat sympathetic. The idea is that a bad guy you can sympathize with is the scariest kind of bad guy, because if you can relate their point of view, you are easier to seduce, and thus emotionally complicit with some of the acts they commit. Like all rules, this one should be tested rigorously for validity, so I submit to you the profile of three villains making some waves in recent pop culture as case study for the Sympathetic Supervillain rule.

Case Study #1 - Dr Horrible, from Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog.

Pro's

• good singer;
• sweetly goofy;
• has nice taste in women;
• has an underdog quality that make you wanna root for him;
• wants to change the world
  

Con's

• wants to change the world, but through evil;
• his arch nemesis is a pretty-boy, prima-donna lunkhead;
• embrace of video blogging makes it easy to foil evil schemes;
• has supremely bad timing with women.

It's not hard to sympathize with Dr. Horrible. Even though he's the bad guy, we still root for him, because he... is Us. He's the put-downable, the down-trodded-ed, the nerd who always gets beaten and never gets the girl. At some point in our lives (oh, like in high school, maybe?) we've all been Dr. Horrible.

We get him.

We are him.

That's what makes the first two episodes of Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog so charming (the acting, and song-writing should be commended). And that's what makes the last episode so sad. The turn of events in the last episode gets the viewer, because the viewer has invested a lot of sympathy in... with... Dr. Horrible, we root for him as the underdog, and then in the final act, we feel partially responsible with the consequences of his actions.

Overall the series is short, but really affecting, and as a villain, Dr. Horrible is pretty compelling.

Case Study #2 - Dexter, from Dexter.

Pro's

• really, really clean;
• really, really good at his job;
• really, really good boyfriend, brother and father-surrogate;
• really, really good with scalpels and power tools.

Con's

• serial killer in his spare time;
• has a dark raging black hole of a soul that is periodically filled by the torment of his victims;
  
• lives in Miami.
  

Dexter: forensics expert by day, serial killer by night. But get this... he's a good serial killer. He only goes after others like him.

Funny enough, the things that makes Dexter a great killer are the same things we look for in a comic superhero. He's charming, efficient and good at bringing evil-doer's to justice. Well... only if you consider "justice" to be torture, dismemberment and burial in a deep sea grave. He has his mild-mannered alter ego (quirky but efficient blood-splatter expert for the Miami police by day), he has a costume (when Dexter hunts, he's prone to wearing black jeans, black knit-shirts and black hoodies), and a nifty utility belt (his medical tools are housed in a really nice, tan, leather satchel). In many ways the conceit of the TV show Dexter is a deconstruction of the typical superhero story. The tension in the story lies not in rationalizing the various violent acts Dexter commits. It lies in the common superhero trope: Will Dexter's boss, family, girlfriend find out what he does in the dark watches of the night?

We sympathize with Dexter through his plight. He, like we, has secrets that we fear might alarm polite society. The funny thing is, as each episode goes by, we come to realize that the other people in Dexter's world, his sister, his co-workers, his lover, maybe even his father, have deep dark secrets that pale next his his own.

Case Study #3 - The Joker, from The Dark Knight.

Pro's

• uh... none!
  

Con's

• designed to evoke your antipathy;
• twitching, asymmetrical posture
• diseased facial paint and scarring,
  
• dissonant voice from Perdition,
  
• greasy hair (you can practically see the bugs flying around amongst the strands).

Despite the Con's, for some reason, people love the Joker. He's sexy. Hell, even Batman can find it in himself to kill the him, despite the fact the Joker more than deserves it.

The question is why. Why is the Joker so compelling?

Maybe because we're attracted to power. Maybe we're attracted to the dark things. The Joker amoral, anarchic and totally devoid of simple human empathy. He is the Batman's complete psychological Other. While Batman has a rational origin, the Joker is irrationality brought life. It's as if Gotham City itself organically hatched a maniacal Dionysus in response the Batman Apollonian existence. In other words, The Joker is the city, the environment balancing it's scales. Maybe we're attracted to Joker because were attracted to the same irrationality that resides within us. Maybe the Batman saves the Joker in the end because he... (read: "we")... need him.

To paraphrase Alan Moore, without the Joker, the Batman is just some nutcase who shows up to a brawl wearing a mask with pointy ears. Keep in mind even while fighting to uphold societies laws, the Batman, a vigilante, breaks them. The notion of superheroism cannot support itself for long unless you got some really, crazy, clown distracting the general population from the fact that you are just a slightly less crazy goon.

So my friends, send in the clowns! Send in the charming killers, the hatchers of evil-plots, and the doer's of manic misdeeds. Call them "villains" if you must, but know this... to someone, somewhere... they are the true hero's.

Plan B - All Time Best YouTube Remixes

My orignial plan was to blog about about the following:

1. 2008 being the Summer of the Superhero (because of Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, the new Batman, and Dr Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog, etc.); and
2. A deconstruction of the role of the Supervillan, by comparing Neil Patrick Harris' "Dr. Horrible" to Heath Ledger's "Joker".

But right now I am a bit dissolusioned about discussing anything Batman related because of the Christian Bale arrest, so, instead, I present to you a review of YouTube's Best Remixes.

Number 5 - "Shining"



The Shining directed by Cameron Crowe instead of Stanley Kubrick. Apparantly the key difference between horror and feel-good family comedy is putting Peter Gabriel's "Solsbury Hill" in your soundtrack.

Number 4 - "Brokeback to the Future"



This makes me giggle.

Number 3 - "ROFLMAO"



A Muppet Show classic remixed by World of Warcraft. Cute.

Number 2 - "Scary Mary"



Mary Poppins = Devil Spawn.

Number 1 - "Bert and Ernie tries Gangsta Rap"



And the video that inspired this blog in the first place. Thank you AV Club:Videocracy! Bert and Ernie represent that Seseme Street, son!