The Woeful and Deliberate Pussification of Han Solo (and I mean "Pussification" in the most sex-positive sense)

My friend Jenni wrote:

Mr. TWIT, I can see you're having trouble with blog fodder (or you're busy working, which clearly can't be the case) so I present you with my lunch-time musings: In a galactic fight between Hans Solo and Mal Reynolds, who would win?


Hmmm, Han Solo vs. Mal Reynolds? It's not really that tough a question. The answer is obvious. Mal would kick Han Solo's ass. Why you ask? Because, my friends, there is a very woeful, deliberate and systematic effort to turn the first great sci-fi cinema icon into a pussy.

(By the way, I don't mean "pussy" in a sexist way because vaginas, in general, are very tough, very resilient and strong enough to give birth to relatively large human babies... so don't get your panties in a twist, 'kay?)

February 1, 1981, Canada's first paid cable movie network "Superchannel", premiered with a 12:00 AM showing of Star Wars. I was eight years old at the time when I was introduced to my first anti-hero, Han Solo. He was a revelation! He was cool, he was tough, he was charming and pretty badass. It was the "Greedo Scene" that got me hooked. It wasn't so much that he blasted Greedo (first!) into a smoky mess, it was the way he flipped the tip on the table as he walked away. Sort of like "Here ya go, honey, and sorry for the mess."

For many of us, it may have been the first time we realized the the best kind of good guy is sort of bad. Nothing fleshes out a hero more than giving him a dark side, and at the time Han Solo was pretty dark (in relation to golden boy Luke Skywalker that is). Han was a debt-ridden smuggler, who won the Millenium Faclon in a card game. He shot first, and never bothered with the questions. He openly contemplated leaving Luke, Leia and the droids behind on the Death Star, and he wasn't going to save Leia in the first place unless he got paid. But it wasn't too long before they started to soften him up.

Personally, I blame the carbonation process. He wasn't quite the same when he got unfrozen. I mean he got captured in a net by Ewoks, for Christ's sake! You think pre-carbonized Han Solo would have gotten trapped that easily?

Return of the Jedi really signified the beginning of the downfall of Han Solo. The former lone wolf now was a captain, with responsibilities and duties. He even gave back the Falcon to Lando Calrissian, free of charge! Yeesh! Now I guess I could've handled all that, and let it rest, but when George Lucas began to retcon the whole Han Solo mysique in the re-release, re-digitized Star Wars Special Editions, that was the final straw. Greedo shooting first? Is he frickin' crazy!?! It made Han Solo look like an asshole!

So here's why Malcom Reynolds would kick Han Solo's ass.

10) Mal actually has prior military experience. Han was a half-assed smuggler they turned into a half-assed captain.

9) Mal had a better backup. I'd take Zoe over Chewbacca any day.

8) Han Solo might have had a faster ship, but Malcom would have given up his life before giving up Serenity to anybody. Especially Lando Calrissian!

7) In many ways Mal had more integrity because he's maintained a steady level of assholery. I mean, the guy was a shmuck, but he at least he knew his limits. That's why in episode 11, Trash he had to have Inara close the deal on the Lassiter caper.


6) Malcom actually got laid in episode 13, Heart of Gold. Han Solo never got laid. And honestly, how good do you think Princess Leia would be in the sack anyway?


5) In The Empire Strikes Back, when Han Solo got captured by the Galactic Empire and sent to torture, the second he got tasered he screamed like a bitch. In War Stories, when Mal and Wash got captured by Niska, they had to cut of a piece of Malcom's ear before he screamed. And mind you this was after they beat him to a bloody pulp and strapped him to an electric rack for hours.


4) I get the feeling that Jayne is just a leee-tle, bit intimidated by Mal. Jayne would never give Han Solo that kind of juice. And if Jayne actually got in a fight with Chewbacca, I suspect that the common room in Serenity would end up with a new shag rug.

3) Mal would never, and I do mean "nev-errr"... fall for the meat-on-a-stick Ewok net trap.



2) Mal had the better gun. It was a sleeker and more efficient design. That's why he was such a fast draw. Han Solo's gun is a blocky, barrel heavy piece of crap that probably took ages to draw. No wonder Greedo got off the first shot.

1) Malcom Reynolds always shoots first.





Satisfied, Jenni?